As we homeschool we have the opportunity to see all of our kids work. Here is one of the examples of the witty items our daughter had written.  I had a good laugh reading this because she took a basic concept and almost made it seem not so basic.


How to Open a Book


            The process of opening a book is a very careful and time-consuming process. First of all, you have to find the right book to open. If you open the wrong book, you will be sucked in, unable to do anything about it. I’d suggest you find a book by a Christian author. They do not usually write about the things that will drag you in, but even then you should always be on your guard.


            Once you find the right book, you must know the book. You have to touch it, smell it, read the cover and get a taste of it. This makes it easier for you to open it. If you open a book without knowing it, you could get hurt. The side effects are: nausea, headaches, brain damage, heart failure, and a tendency to trip over your own feet while reading. As you can see, directions must be followed with the utmost care.


            Now we have finally reached the most important step: opening the book. First, place the book on a flat surface, such as a table, or dresser. Next, take three steps back; and three forward. Place your left hand on the front cover, and curl your thumb over the side. Take a deep breath, and shout, “Open, sez’ me!”


            Just kidding. All you need to do is flip open the cover. If you couldn’t do it at first, don’t worry. This happens to the best of us. Just keep trying until you get it.


            The only thing left to do now is to read the book. This is a very ancient process; many of the early Greeks did this to acquire knowledge. In modern times, though, we have no use for that. So pick up the book, sit somewhere comfortable, and let your eyes take in those words like they can’t get enough. Some people speed-read, as if they want to finish so fast that they skip over valuable words, but this is not a good idea. No, you must take it slowly, first reading the title on each of the beginning pages, then going on from there.


            The reading step is so important that it takes two paragraphs to write it all out. If you do this wrong, you have to go back to the beginning. I know I said opening the book is the most important step, which is true, for you have to open the book to read it, but reading the book takes the most care. This step is needed.


            I suppose I should tell you of the Do Nots. By their title, you can probably guess what they are. First, Do Not skip to the back to see how the book ends, this will spoil the fun of figuring it out. Second, Do Not skip the prologue, this is the most important part. Lastly, Do Not dog-ear the pages, you must keep the book in perfect condition so that it lasts for generations.


“Now read, read on, and read well.”


-Heather Rachelle Oliveria